Bad Kissing and Swine Flu – Dating Movie

No, I am not wondering whenever you distribute swine flu by kissing. Everyone understands you get swine flu from having sex with bacon. Everything I’m interested in is whether or not bad kissing, like swine flu in ’09, is becoming an epidemic.

Just like the Loch Ness Monster, or Bigfoot, untamed hearsay of poor kisser sightings had floated around for many years. But I not really thought them. What i’m saying is, how do you shag right up kissing?! Until a few months in the past, my personal response had been, you can’t. Isn’t really kissing usually about someplace on the enjoyable scale? In a worst case situation it could be a 1, but it’s nevertheless in good region (let us see…i really could either be making out with this lady or enjoying reruns for the Jersey Shore and that I’d end up being equally happy…and yes, viewing reruns of Jersey Shore counts as positive area for me…clearly We have low expectations for what constitutes a confident knowledge). But dipping into unfavorable territory? Difficult! Or More I thought…

Molly and I were on one minute big date, also it have been an enjoyable experience. Dinner, various drinks (ok, lots of), then I walked her back again to her apartment. At the front doorway we went in for a goodnight kiss, and what I had gotten in exchange was…well…imagine if someone place a cold baby carrot within mouth and then only give it time to stay indeed there. Which was her tongue. What i’m saying is, only this lump inside my throat, which I have always been wanting to poke at slightly with my own language to find out if its actually lively, and receiving simply no response. It had been thus lifeless that I actually pulled back to find out if she had passed out mid-kiss. Not joking. Unfortunately maybe not. Yikes. Shortest makeout ever before.

Okay. Good. One bad kisser in for years and years? I am able to accept that. Until…

…this time it actually was a first day. Really it wasn’t really a romantic date. Jess and that I was basically set up by a shared friend, and our genuine very first day wasn’t said to be for the next couple times. But on Saturday night I managed to get a text from her saying “Hey! I am out in town with a few buddies. Arrive meet you for a drink!” And so I performed. Blah blah blah, I finished up dropping their off at her spot, and then thing you realize we’re producing completely. Or i suppose that’s what it had been supposed to be. Exactly what it was actually was positively frightening. The best way I’d explain it will be if her language and my mouth were a mortar and pestle, and she was actually attempting to work grain at the back of my personal throat. Which alone had been worrisome sufficient to make me personally not need to hug for a long, very long time…and then…well…ummm…she began to make use of my leading front teeth as a tongue scraper. Honestly. This woman is placing the woman language inside my mouth area, lodging it up against my top teeth, right after which scraping it she brings it of my personal throat. And recurring. What…the…fuck?! This lady has teeth correct? Very she knows 1) they can not feel anything and 2) which is friggin gross? I happened to be in fact praying that I found myself getting Punk’d. But no this type of luck. And then we have actually an innovative new champ for shortest makeout actually.

Honestly, with two bad kissers consecutively i’m really concerned with this becoming an epidemic. I don’t know everything you do to end a bad kisser epidemic, but whatever it is, can we kindly can get on this ASAP? Since if i’ve another terrible makeout, kissing could join crazy chicken and oysters one of several situations I have quit after bad encounters. Even though I can survive without Wild Turkey and oysters, life without kissing is not any existence after all. HELP!!!!